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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Dunder Mifflin Employees of the Scranton Branch, we are in the midst of a historic flu season that demands we take the appropriate actions. The H1N1 virus, a.k.a. swine flu, threatens our lives, and so will impact the productivity of our branch. To combat this pandemic, I have implemented some new policies. First off, sanitizing lotion must be on each person at all times. Secondly, to kill the maximum amount of germs, I have rigged the bathroom faucets to only run with hot water. Surgical masks are available at my desk (I bought them in bulk during the SARS outbreak, they're still good). If possible, get a vaccine - at this time they are only available to children, the elderly (Creed Bratton qualifies), and pregnant women (Pam qualifies, and a couple other women in the office could pass). The only way we're going to make it through this plague is if we do it together, and you all listen to me without question. |
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A MESSAGE FROM CREED |
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by Creed Bratton
Hey all, I volunteer at one of those adopt-a-family for the holiday charities. I've got a family of four that really could use some help. They're living in a dumpster. If you look in your heart, I'm sure you'll feel the need to donate to this worthy cause. They need canned goods (they really like kidney beans), blankets, money, shoes (the whole family wears men's size 9 1/2), whisky, Raquel Welch videos, and money. I'll have a drop-off box out by my desk, come on by.
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KELLY 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
You guys, I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair with Tiger Woods...Yeah right! He's totally gross!! I for one am tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his mistresses, and I think it's time the mainstream media focus on the real issues. With all the news outlets reporting on that nerdy golf guy, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with Brangelina!! I mean, who is Britney dating?! Where is Jennifer Aniston?! I can't take being in the dark anymore!!! Attention News Media People, enough is enough - stop reporting on that dweeby loser in a polo shirt and get back to what's important, the details behind the Jake & Reese split!!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
Instead of listing presents that I want, I'm going to unselfishly list my wish list for the world. That's just the type of guy I am.
Food for all the children of the world
Nicorette gum for all the smokers of the world
Healthcare for all
Lower taxes
That all stop lights are green at all times
Vaccines for cancer, AIDS and polio
A Weird Al/Ray Stevens duet
Milk that doesn't expire
Chocolate milk that doesn't expire
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Cars that run only on electricity
Same HOUR delivery
If I do happen to be on your shopping list and you really really want to get me something, I've got three words for you: Julie & Julia.
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