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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Employees of the Scranton branch, I have warned you many times that you cannot simultaneously use the toaster, microwave, and coffee maker in the kitchen. They are on the same grid, thus using them at the same time causes the fuse to go out and the power to shut off. You have collectively ignored the warning signs I've posted around the kitchen. No one utilized my appliance sign up sheet. And when I moved these machines to outlets on another grid, you brought them back into the kitchen from the women's bathroom. The only solution appears to be to lower demand for these appliances. So allow me to warn you that I left a disgusting slaughterhouse castoff overnight in the toaster oven, coffee maker, or microwave. I won't tell you what kind, but take my word for it, it is extremely foul. Still want to use them? I don't think you do. Enjoy your free flowing electricity.
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A MOMENT WITH ANGELA |
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by Angela Martin
If you know the identity of the person or persons that placed the whoopee cushion on my desk chair, please come forward. The lout that left it not only lacks respect for me, but for the order of our work place. Fortunately my slim, petite frame was not enough set off the device, although it did make a sound when I disarmed it with a pair of scissors. Not knowing whom the responsible party is, I covered all of my bases by filing complaints with Toby on each and every person in the office. Rest assured that if I ever do find out who committed this act of lewdness, further consequences, including legal action, will be pursued.
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KELLY'S KORNER |
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by Kelly Kapoor
Okay you guys, the New Moon trailer is online and it looks ah-mazing!!! I'll tell you why: Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are cuter than ever! There hasn't been a hottie fest of this caliber since Troy came out.
In Twilight, Robert Cullen was everything I wanted in a boyfriend: mysterious, rich, cute, pale - Robert Pattinson totally deserved all those MTV Movie Awards. He returns in New Moon along with Jacob Black. In horror movies, the wolfman is usually a gross slobbering stinky side character that isn't very respectful of women. Not since Teen Wolf has there been a cute wolfman, and even then he was just kinda cute - Taylor Lautner is totally scorching!! When he's the wolfman he's a super brave and protective, and when he's just a teenager he's super sensitive and his chest isn't hairy at all! I'm in love with Robert Cullen and I know that I'm going to fall for Jacob Black!
I can't wait to see the hottie vampire and the hottie wolfman fight over Bella. Who will she choose to be her boyfriend? Who would I choose? What would happen if a sexy wolfman and a sexy vampire bit me at the same time? Hopefully this question is addressed in the film. Either way, I can't wait!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 I was eating at Kenny Rogers Roasters last weekend, and it got me thinking about renaissance men. We don't do enough to celebrate multi-talented people these days. Leonardo Da Vinci was the original renaissance man of the Roman times (he painted, invent things, and made a code) and he was worshipped for it. As a renaissance man myself (I am a comedian, joke teller, branch manager, and son) I would like to take a moment to salute my favorite renaissance men of today:
- George Foreman for obvious reasons
- Bo Jackson knew football, basketball, baseball and starred in all those "Bo Knows" commercials
- There's nothing that Justin Timberlake can't do
- Kevin Kline for making underwear and starring in the delightful Coming Out
- Milton Bradley, baseball player, toy maker, and serial killer
- Mike Myers, a writer and very versatile actor - before he wowed us with his comic genius, he scared us by starring in those Halloween movies. "Do do do do do do do do do do" "Schwing!"
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CREED'S DEALS |
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by Creed Bratton
Hello, my aunt recently died and left me a truckload of men's basketball shoes and medical supplies. I'm selling the shoes for $10 apiece (not a pair), hospital pants for $2, and bedpans for $3. Anything you buy would help me get over the tragic loss of my cousin. Thank you.
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