PAM'S POLL
by: Pam Halpert
Would you prefer ballpoint or rollerball pens?
72% said rollerball
27% said ballpoint
Kelly wrote in that she'd like "the fuzzy pens they used in Clueless."
CELEB 411
by: Kelly Kapoor
Scarlett and Ryan R., J.Lo and Marc Anthony, me and Ryan H., and now reports of Will and Jada divorcing??? Hopefully it's just a rumor, cause I can't take this anymore! What happened to romance? What happened to forever? Is it just for True Blood characters? And forget I even said that cause now Sookie's playing tonsil hockey with Eric instead of Bill, which is so wrong. It seems like just yesterday that Maria and Arnold were the perfect couple minus his weird accent, and Halle and Gabriel were talking about having more adorable babies. But now it's all affairs and custody battles, and I'm so upset! (Although Gabriel - if you're currently available, so am I). 
The only thing getting me through this period of hopelessness is pictures of the Kardashian wedding. It looks like Kim and Kris are the real deal. Hopefully it will last unlike all those other marriage duds, and they'll inspire everyone to stay together for eternity. Good luck, Kim! Don't you dare let him love you and leave you Ryan Howard-style.
SAFETY MESSAGE FROM THE BUILDING MANAGER
by: Dwight Schrute
A chair moving on its own, pencils rolling off desks, a mirror hanging on the wall that looks like it could fall off, but doesn't. Is it a ghoul joking around? No. It's a mild earthquake. Maybe there was no serious damage or injury after Tuesday's earth tremors, however there was alarm. And alarm is even more dangerous than danger. Kevin ran from the building, tripping over his own sandwich that he threw in a panic, Kelly got into an elevator screaming her head off, Erin started pounding on the windows, Angela crawled into a filing cabinet, Jim cried. Apparently none of you read the earthquake safety section in my Scranton Business Park occupant's guide. In the event that we do experience another quake, here's the list of PROPER precautions. Read them.
- Take cover under a desk or sturdy table. Not under other people, Creed. By the way, I know you took my wallet. And joke's on you because that was my fake wallet.
- Stay away from glass or anything that could break or fall, Erin. And what did you eat for lunch? It looks like you smeared the state fair all over the windows. You're on Windex duty.
- Do not use the elevators, Kelly, unless you want to be trapped for hours in a small space and forced to drink your own urine for survival.
- Stay inside, Kevin. The outdoors will be a treacherous mishmash of falling buildings and plummeting power lines.
- And lastly, remain calm and don't scream. Mostly because it annoys me.
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FOR SALE
by: Creed Bratton
What's up Dunder Mifflin Albany? 'Ol Creedy here.
 Wanted to let you guys know I'm selling a potato chip shaped like Jesus. $500/obo. Talk to me in my office or the WC.
CUCKOO FOR KARDASHIANS
by: Oscar Martinez
It's no secret that I'm a lover of elegant weddings. However this Kardashian event seemed totally over the top. The price tag was allegedly ten million dollars. Ten million dollars! In a time when America's economy languishes in the worst recovery since the Great Depression. Yet people willingly lap it up.
Why do we pour over these vacuous celebrities? No one would ever get this excited over a Jared Polis or a Liu Xiaobo wedding. People magazine would never pay $1.5 million for Temple Grandin's bridal photos. I just don't understand it. However I will say that Kim's Vera Wang gown and choice of white roses was perfection. And what did you guys think of the jeweled headpiece? I'm torn, but I think it was - Oh my God. Oh my God, who am I?
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