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OUT AND ABOUT WITH ERIN |
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by Kelly "Erin" Hannon
Ladies! (and gentlemen) On Friday, July 24th it's Scranton Ladyfest '09 at Nay Aug Park...and it's not just for the girls. This music and arts festival promises to be a very special affair. There are live bands from 11 AM to 9 PM and it's not just a bunch of "butch female singer-songwriters" as some people have suggested. There will also be acoustic, alternative, a Tori Amos cover band, a cappella, an Ani DiFranco cover band, Indigo Girl cover bands, and queercore - truly a genre for everyone! I'm so excited about all the live music, but if music isn't your cup of tea, then we don't have to see the bands, we can just enjoy the festival's other great features: live theatre, poetry, photography, paintings, handcrafted jewelry, glasswork, a variety of vendors, and delicious vegan food from Eden! Best of all, the entire festival is free!!! I know times are tough and in the past, people have shied away from doing group activities because the cost of attending has reached upwards of $5, so hopefully with this unbeatable price, we can get a bigger turnout this time around. So don't let the event name fool you; come one, come all to an event that promises to put the "festiv" in "festival!" And if none of this sounds appealing to anyone, maybe I could just bbq for people at my apartment instead?
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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
It's come to my attention that various female members of the office have contemplated leaving work early on Friday, July 24th, to attend a certain women's festival. To do so would not only be a gross violation of office policy, but an affront to the entire women's rights movement. This country has a proud history of strong women fighting to earn the right to make 76 cents for every dollar a man makes and you want to spit in their faces. It's bad enough that women make more than three quarters of what a man makes for equivalent work, in spite of their constant trips to the bathroom, inability to reach high and lift heavy objects, as well as their monthly bouts of bloated un-productivity, but if you think you can leave early on a Friday and still earn three quarters of what the men in this office make, you've got another thing coming. I will personally be submitting a written request and verbally pleading with Michael to reduce any female caught leaving early to pre-1967 wage levels. Suffrage may also be confiscated. You've been warned.
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KELLY'S ADVICE KOLUMN |
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by Kelly Kapoor
OMG you guys, I need some advice!!!! This is like a question for the ages and I can't face it alone. I was thinking about getting my hair cut real short and cute for the summer. What do you guys think?! I mean, I think it looks great now, kind of "stunningly feminine" is how people usually describe it, but people also tell me that I can really highlight my "classical features" if I cut it short. So I just don't know what to do - keep it long and elegant or short and fun? I can't sleep at work because I'm constantly racking my brain trying to figure out what to do. So please please please guys, help a sister out. Advise me on which fantastic look I should embrace. Oh and there's another little thing I'm going to make a decision on: should I donate a kidney to my uncle?
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 Spoiler alert! I officially have Harry Potter fever! Ever since I stayed up late to catch the midnight screening of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (and set the theatre record by eating 11 hot dogs even after a couple of them fell on the floor), I've been sweaty, achy, and tired - all the symptoms of a man devastated by the shocking events of the latest Harry Potter movie. I'm literally nauseous thinking about the ending to that film. With no chocolate frogs or butterbeer to munch on, my appetite has been completely decimated. My nose is constantly running and I'm always getting the chills. During my frequent trips to the bathroom - got a bad case of "Voldemort's Revenge" - I find myself close to passing out. But contrary to what certain Death Eaters (like Toby!) have been saying, I do not need to go home, I will not rest, and I'm not putting other people at risk. I can't help it if other people in the office are now experiencing symptoms similar to mine - the Half-Blood Prince is very powerful! And yes, I'm aware that some people are feeling sick even though they haven't actually seen it yet, but I think that is more a testament to the power of J.K. Rowling than anything else. So let's all sit down together, hug and embrace over some hot tea with lemon, and together we can support one another as we cope with our mutual Harry Potter fevers.
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OSCAR'S GRIPE |
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by Oscar Martinez
If someone is sick, please don't come to work. Period. You're not doing anyone any favors by coming in and leaving used tissues everywhere, trying to have face to face conversations where you insist on breathing on people, and hugging people when you feel sick and upset. Just stay home because I refuse to have my Fire Island vacation ruined by your lack of consideration for others.
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