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CH-CH-CHANGES |
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by Pam Halpert
 Hi everyone! I have a very important, exciting announcement. I hope you're sitting down... Are you ready? I, Pamela Halpert, will be taking over...the Dunder Mifflin newsletter!! I know I know - biggest news of the year, right? Now that Michael is gone and Creed is, well...Creed, it makes sense for the inventive, artistic Office Manager to handle the company newsletter from now on. I'm going to work on some really fun layouts, and I encourage all of you to put on those thinking caps and prepare your most riveting entries! Look for the new appearance next month.
*Crucial note: Pam Halpert has no affiliation with the employees' entries, and does not in any way endorse their views. She just posts them.*
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CREED HERE |
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by Creed Bratton
Who would have thought that a man with only four toes on one foot could rise to the position of Acting Manager at a steel mill? I'll tell you who thought it: Me. Cause if you don't believe in your dreams, you don't believe in America, and if you don't believe in America you're a commie. And I ain't no commie! I'm just a Deadhead who wants his company to be #1. Yeah sure, the talk right now is all about powerhouses like Pam Am, DeLorean and Polaroid. But screw those geeks, cause soon it's gonna be all about Dander Muffin, all the time. You just wait and see. I'd like to take this moment to thank all you crazy kids for doing such a great job (except you Bill -- you don't know poop from applesauce and you're fired). I'd also like to take this moment to say that you will have to pry my cold dead fingers from the boss's chair to get me out of here, so don't even try it.
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SPECIAL GOODBYE |
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by Gabe Lewis
I will no longer be a day-to-day presence at the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin Sabre, but I know that my presence in Erin's heart will never die. Erin, this limerick is for you.
I once had a beauty named Erin
Who made me twinkle and tingle
'til she announced at the Dundies
"I'd rather be single"
Us apart is pure sin, my sweet sweet Erin
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YOU HELP ME, I'LL HELP YOU |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 As you all know, I was the brilliant eleventh hour replacement on the Search Committee. I am working my hardest to help pick the most qualified candidate for the new manager position. This is a good time to mention that most respectable businesses do not tolerate ANY form of bribery. However Kelly Kapoor DOES!!! If you're interested in being manager, here are some examples of things I'd enjoy that may help strengthen your chances:
- iPod Touch (pink or red ONLY)
- 5 weeks at Christmas
- Beyoncé tickets
- ShoeDazzle membership
- Made to order sushi station
- A Kindle with all the Chelsea Handler books
- A charge card with an insane limit
- 45 days of PTO
- Lifetime membership at Planet Fitness
- Permission to drink on Fridays
- A kitten with a pet tag that says, "I wuv you Kelly"
- Authorization to use 30% of my workday on Twitter and Facebook
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YOU'RE INVITED! |
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by Phyllis Lapin-Vance
It's going to be 80 degrees this Sunday! Bob finally got the pontoon boat fixed after it got stuck under the dock and sank last summer. Now that it's back up and running, everyone's invited to come hang with us at the cottage. We'll have brisket, beer, and I'll be debuting a cute new halter top I knitted! Hope to see you there.
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