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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
This office is a place to sell reasonably priced office supplies, not a place for you to shill out coupon books, soccer candy bars or baked goods to support your kids' extracurricular activities. Do I sell the cornhusk dolls Mose makes at the office? No I do not. I respect that this company's sole purpose is to sell paper. I see the usage of company pens to fill out Girl Scout cookie order forms. The company time you take to vend various overpriced crap to your uninterested co-workers (who gives a damn if your kid's debate team goes to DC?) should be spent selling Dunder Mifflin products to clients. This exploitation has to stop. For the last few weeks I have been calculating all of the supplies, space and hours spent on our company's dime. I'll be sending out invoices to the various organizations you've been panhandling for. The Scranton High School Band already owes us $13.45. The Scranton Cat Rescue owes $7.33. I'll have the Lil' Taylor Girls Softball Team total by the end of the day. I will alert accounting that they should be expecting payments soon.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Someone forwarded me a web address: catsthatlooklikehitler.com. How dare they! Cats are the world's most angelic creatures; they should not be compared to one of history's most demonic monsters! I forgive the cats for their appearance; they're cute! The people that created this site, however, are NOT CUTE!!! They're the real monsters!
Here are some cats that look more like some more wholesome figures (Queen Elizabeth and Santa Claus). Why isn't there a website dedicated to this? They're CUTE!!!
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OSCAR'S GRIPE |
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by Oscar Martinez
Will everyone please stop asking me if I had swine flu? No, I did not. I was sick last week with a common cold. It is very offensive that you'd assume that I had swine flu merely based on the fact that I'm of Mexican descent. I have not been to Mexico in the last three years! I especially don't appreciate the way Angela is wearing a medical mask around me. If one more person brings up Swine Flu to me, I'm going to Toby.
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KEVIN'S GRIP |
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by Kevin Malone
You guys, please stop asking me if I have swine flu. I'm kinda sensitive about my weight, so I don't think it's funny when you ask me if I have a disease just because there's a pig reference in the name. It's very hurtful. Also don't call me Kevin Bacon any more.
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ODE TO M.A.C. |
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by Kelly Kapoor
When life totally blows and I'm in a dark place,
When nothing can lift my spirits - not even MySpace.
There's one place I can go for a positive encounter,
I grab my credit card and head to the MAC counter.
Dressed in black, your make-up artists embrace androgyny,
They too delight in my favorite science: cosmetology.
I sample your gloss, eye shadow, foundation and mascara,
I buy your products to look like Christina Aguilera.
MAC makes you look edgy and cool, gives you mystique,
It's way better than lame-o Covergirl, Revlon, or Clinique.
I love it more that Britney, General Hospital and Tyra.
Who knows, maybe I'll get a job at MAC after I retire-a.
MAC gives a girl that much-needed dose of glam that I admire,
With my face done, I feel like a celebrity in the pages of The Enquirer.
Sometimes I buy online and my makeup's delivered via FedEx,
There will always be special place in my heart for MAC cosmetics.
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MICHAEL'S LIST |
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by Michael Scott
Your favorite boss is baaack! Did you miss me? I know the answer: yesh! And in honor of my return, I'm going to give you all one of my classic David Letterman Top Ten Lists. Here are the top ten reasons why you missed me:
- My quarterback smile
- My Will Ferrell impression of his George Bush impression
- The way I bring the style with my fancy Donald Trump brand ties
- The way I make the coffee less strong
- The robot dance I do to the sound of the microwave timer going off
- The way I sneak pop rocks into your food and soda
- My fatherly advice
- My motherly attentiveness
- The way I playfully tease Kevin about his weight, Oscar about his gayness, and Stanley about his diabetic cardiomyopathy
- The pranks I pull, like shutting off the bathroom lights when you're in a stall
- My Top Ten Lists!!!
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