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NEW BOSS SPEAKING OUT |
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by Deangelo Vickers
 First off, I'd like to wish Michael a warm farewell. He's going to one of the most hospitable places on Earth: Colorado. The people there will welcome him with open arms and say pleasant things like, "Please accompany us to the Breckenridge Music Festival." Colorado is exceedingly beautiful. It's got some of the most crystal clear lakes you've ever laid eyes on, and a dazzling wealth of wildflowers. You can climb to the top of a red rock, look out at all the open space and scream out, "I love apple pie!" Or "Sorry for not tipping that waitress!" Then quickly duck down as something's lunging at your head. Is it an attack plane? No, of course not! It's a majestic bald eagle, recently removed from the Colorado list of endangered species. What's not to love? I'm very jealous, Michael. You will be so, so happy there.
As for me, I'm looking forward to a long and lustrous career at Dunder Mifflin. I hope to bring out the best in this branch. This may be forward of me, but it seems like some of you have been stockpiling your potential, and you're just waiting for someone to bring it out so you can shine like the Tuscan sun. And that's where I come in. I said it before and I'll say it again - with hard work, this office can become the greatest office in the world. Let's get there, together. Synergy!
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SPRING PICNIC |
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by Angela Martin
The State Senator will be hosting his annual spring picnic this weekend, and you are all cordially invited. It will be held at Oak Park on Saturday from 12-4 PM. I realize this may not appeal to everyone, but it can actually get a little wild - raffles, singing, dancing, tax protesters. And Ryan - he asked specifically for you to be there. He must be impressed with all of your entrepreneurial endeavors. I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about! Admission is free. Please bring your own blankets and your manners.
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REQUEST |
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by Gabe Lewis
As you all know, Erin and I are being torn apart by a persona non grata. I will not mention names, but I think we all know whom I'm talking about. I cannot technically ask you to be mean to this person, however let me say it will be well worth your while to be impolite to him. Thank you for your cooperation.
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CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 I hope you're listening because this is probably the most important thing I've ever said. SUBTLE SEXUALITY IS BACK!!!! We have a new hit single that is so delicious I can't even handle it. It drops next Thursday, so prepare your head cuz this song will be stuck in it for days. It's kind of Taylor Swift-ish, a little Carrie Underwood-y, and a whole lot of Subtle Sexuality. Are you ready??! And yes, we have hundreds of autographed pictures for you! ($15 each).
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9,986,000 MINUTES |
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by Michael Scott
*As you read this, please play Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You."
 I can't believe how fast 9,986,000 minutes flies. It felt more like 4 million minutes. In all the years I've worked at Dunder Mifflin, I never dreamed about leaving. I had the best times of my life within these office walls. I laughed, I cried, I sang, I ate, I made mistakes, I made out, I matured. And most importantly, I met all of you. Technically I'm an only child, but really I have 17 brothers and sisters. Thank you all so much for the wonderful memories. You inspired me, you gave my life purpose, and you shaped me into the man I am today. I'll miss you with all my fart. LOL. Really, I'll miss you with all my fart. Ah! Got ya again :)
No longer your boss but forever your friend,
-Michael G. Scott
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