by: Pam Halpert
If you had to live for five years in one of these fantasy places, which would it be?
Never Never Land: 6%
Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory: 28%
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: 60%
*Meredith wrote in "I would live under the sea with King Triton, cause nothin' turns me on more than a meaty merman."
Putting the "Fun" in Fundraiser
by: Angela Martin
The Senator's fundraiser for The Scranton Animal Welfare Society was quite a success. I thought it couldn't be possible to have a more splendid time than I did at the Fire Sprinkler Association Awareness ball, but these fabulous galas just keep getting more fabulous. That's the life of a Senator's wife for you! All of the area's most distinguished residents were in attendance, including the mayor's stepbrother, Kathy and Walter Briggs of Briggs Lasik Eye Center, an adjunct professor from Penn State York, and a very well-liked ADT Home Security representative. The Pennsylvania Secretary of State could not make it due to hernia surgery, so she sent her personal assistant, who was quite charming and claimed to know Italian! Very posh. Thankfully all seven of the retired service dogs found homes that evening, even precious Huey, who needs medication every 90 minutes. And it's all thanks to my Robert, the Senator. Isn't he just the bee's knees?
However, we have nothing to thank all of you for, what with Dwight befouling the auction, Andy jabbering on about his absurd "rock opera" and Pam wearing that tasteless outfit. It was a fundraising event, not a pole dancing class! I'm going to politely ask you to refrain from coming to any more of our events, as you clearly don't possess the proper social graces for these types of upscale things. Even my cats would be better guests, which they were. They sat hushed and elegant at table 14. Take a lesson.
Malone's in the Zone
by: Kevin Malone
So I recently realized I'm the smartest guy in the office. Fur example, Andy was showing signs of a breakdown, and I was the only one to see it. I'm always the first one to notice the Famous Amos cookies are gone in the vending machine. I was also the genious who suggested we start putting pizza in the vending machine. Still waiting on that one to happen. I'm sure it will many years from now... (geniouses are never appreciated in their time). And I seem to be the only person who's picked up on the fact that Nellie doesn't even speak English. I never knew being the smartest would be so much work. It's really starting to wear on me. Now I know why all the presidents go grey so fast. I don't have a lot of hair on my head, but I found a couple grey hairs on my knuckles. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the way things were, when I thought every other single person in the office was smarter than ME (minus Nellie, because again, she doesn't speak English). But I'm just gonna grin and bear it. I was bourne with a gift, and I need to share it. So rest assured, you can always count on Kev to be the man with all the answers.
by: Ryan Howard
A poem by Ryan Howard
I am soft serve vanilla ice cream
You are chocolately fudge sauce smothering me
We are both nuts
I am creamy white double stuf filling
You are crispy brown wafers surrounding me
We are both blue like the packaging
That is, when we're not together...
I know this free verse is making you super hungry
For food, and for my love
So please come back, let's mix ingredients!
I savor you, Kelly
by: Nellie Bertram
Can someone explain to Kevin that Brits speak English? He keeps shuffling up to me and saying, "As soon as I figure out which language you're speaking, I'm going to order you a translator." It's absolute bollocks! And the most ironic part is that his speech is reminiscent of Vin Diesel after a stroke. A little help, please.