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DWIGHT SPEAKS!
"Packages" |
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by Dwight Schrute
 Packages. They are a part of office life. Packages are sent to us from our suppliers to the warehouse so that we may send goods to our customers. Packages are sent by us to our clients to fulfill orders or review samples. These types of packages play an important part in making sure our office runs smoothly. Do you know when a package is not an important part of the office? When it is a personal package. One that is sent to you at work because you thought it would be "convenient." Let me tell you what's not convenient: the untimely death of one of our many package delivery people from carrying all of your personal garbage. When you overload our carriers with your own personal junk, they become vulnerable to an increased risk for injury and death. This will cause them to be unable to deliver the packages that are appropriate for work. Stop ordering things and having them sent to the office. Next time I see a package from a retail organization, I will confiscate it and destroy the contents. If one of our package handlers becomes injured, I will turn you in to the authorities as an accessory to the injury. Do you understand me? Your personal life belongs at home with the rest of your sad existence. Thank you for your time.
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PICK-UP BASKETBALL |
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by Jim Halpert
Attention Ballers: Now that the tourney's over and the NBA Playoffs are just getting started (Go Sixers), I feel the need to shoot some hoops. It's been a while since we had an office game, and considering that my roommate just suffered a pretty heinous soccer injury, it looks like you guys are my only hope for some b-ball these days. So stop by my desk and let me know if you're interested in playing in a very loosely structured game. I'm thinking of trying to get a regular game on Saturday mornings down at McDade Park, but if you have other suggestions for times/dates/locations, I'm very flexible. See you on the hardwood (blacktop).
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OMG! ADVICE! |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 This month I want to tackle some really important issues that affect all of us, like healthy eating and babies. Just as a reminder, Michael won't let me accept questions from anybody in the office, so I just make them up.
Dear Kelly: Awesome column last month. Keep up the good work. I was just wondering if you had any tips for eating healthfully in the office. - "Erika"
Thank you for the compliments, "Erika." You're obviously very smart. I have, like, a million tips for healthy eating here at work. The first one is really simple. When you're having a bad day, sometimes it feels really good to buy a lot of candy bars from the vending machine and eat them all. Don't do this. When I'm mad at something, usually Ryan, I'll go to the vending machine, but instead of candy bars, I buy gum. I like to put all the gum in my mouth at one time and then slowly start chewing. By the time it's gotten all soft and chewy, I'm not mad anymore.
Do you want to have a baby with me? - "Justin Timberlake"
YES!!! But you have to buy me a diamond first - a baby-sized diamond (which is really different than a baby diamond).
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LOST: VERY IMPORTANT SCULPTURE |
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by Meredith Palmer
I don't really know what this supposed to be, but since Mike keeps bugging me about it, I'll do my best.
Hi everyone. I lost a really important piece of art that my son made for me a few years back. I don't know if I ever brought it into work, but I thought I'd give it a shot in case I had. It's supposed to look like a dinosaur, but it looks more like a beige piece of crap with a horn. If you see it, let me know. It's the only artwork my son has ever made for me and I think I might be able to sell it in a few years.
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DID YOU SCRATCH MY CAR? |
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by Oscar Martinez
I know we've had a lot of drama recently regarding the parking situation and I, for one, didn't want to have to deal with anything else involving parking. Unfortunately, someone who parked next to me scratched my car and I want to know who it was. It looks like the scratch is from a darker color car, like gray or navy blue or black. It's not a huge deal, but I drive a white car and scratches really show up, so please come forward and admit your mistake so we can work.
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WATCH THIS! A Monthly Movie Review |
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by Michael Gary Scott
"Forgetting Sarah Marshall"
This movie looked really funny. Unfortunately, I couldn't bring myself to see it given my current relationship status. Break-ups are hard but seeing movies about break-ups are harder. I'm the kind of guy who imitates the things I see in movies. When I saw "Side Out" starring C. Thomas Howell, I wanted to be a beach volleyball player. I went out and bought a neon colored volleyball and everything. When I saw "The Program," I tried to do the things I saw in the movie. I walked around all day holding a football, waiting for someone to try to knock it out of my hands. If I see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," I'm going to want to do whatever stuff that tall guy does after his break-up and my life is hard enough right now as it is. I'm doing pretty well on my own, but a whole movie about breaking up could send me right back into the pit of the spair that I was wallowing in. You guys know how hard I'm trying to move on, so please, go and see this movie on your own and tell me if you like it. I'll get it on DVD when I'm good and ready and married.
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