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SPICE UP YOUR LIFE |
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by Ryan Howard
 Are you too poor to party in Italy? Don't have funds to cruise the Mexican coast? Don't worry! Cause I'm bringing those countries to you. Have just one bite of Mama Sally's Homemade Pesto, or a chip-full of Seņor Chico's Hot Cha Cha salsa and you'll feel like you've boarded a Delta flight to paradise. I swear to God. The flavorings are epic. Mama Sally's is the smoothest pesto this side of Milan, sure to impress any dinner guest. And Seņor Chico's is great for all occasions -- whether it be an appetizer with the bros during a game, or eating it straight from the jar when you come home drunk from the bar. These are two purchases you will NOT regret. Order fast! Only 100 left and the expiration date is ticking. Seriously, they go bad next week.
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MY WAREHOUSE, MY RULES |
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by Darryl Philbin
There's a garage sale taking place in my warehouse today. I've got rules down there. I know I don't need to remind you, but actually I do.
- The warehouse is not your dumpster. If no one takes your trash, it needs to end up in the trash. My guys ain't responsible for tossing your sea glass.
- If any hagglers get violent, don't fight back. Hide under your table or call Madge over.
- If anyone asks to use the restrooms tell 'em we don't have any and to go use the ones at Subway.
- Don't let kids play on the baler; it's not a mechanical horse. (And you can't play on the baler either. How many times do I have to tell you, Mike?)
- No music.
- No singing.
- Don't embarrass me.
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LONG-TERM SPRING FLING |
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by Meredith Palmer
Spring has sprung and so has my libido. I'm ready for love back in my life, and I'm not just talkin' about one-night stands behind the dumpster at Dublin's Pub, or surprising the mailman with a French kiss. I'm talking about real love, with the type of guy who likes to share a bottle of hard tea on the front porch and laugh at the neighborhood kids vandalizing Father O'Sullivan's house. A guy who wants to go out for a nice meal at Long John Silver's every now and then, and prank call my mom with me, and clean out the rabbit cage when my son's in jail. Someone who won't judge me for stupid crap like falling asleep at the wheel, or wearing underwear with holes in them. If that sounds like you, give me a call cowboy.
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CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
 Ugh! Everybody's all like, "Sheen Sheen Sheen, Sheen Sheen Sheen." I'm sick of it!!! He's not even good-looking! When will this crap end? I mean I'm sorry but if you ask my opinion, two-and-a-half were barely enough men in the first place. The only people I know who watch that show are my mom and my Phyllis. But Charlie does some drugs and hangs out with harlots and suddenly it's clogging up all my gossip sites. For WEEKS! I would totally understand if it were Penn Badgley or Justin Timberlake, but come on - Charlie Sheen?? Who cares! He didn't used to be hot, he's not hot now, and he'll never be hot. So let's please end this insanity! I'm begging you. I'm begging.
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IT'S THE TIME OF THE SEASON |
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by Creed Bratton
I've been waiting for this day all my life: there's a love-in going on in the warehouse. Everybody's hanging out, sitting in lawn chairs, giving gifts away, smiling, probably protesting gas prices. It's real beautiful man, just like the 60's. I'm gonna go down and play a little Everly Brothers on my harmonica. Might even finally tell Rhonda how I really feel about her :)
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