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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Much of the talk around the office lately has been about the Winter Olympics. I generally choose not to participate in such trivial uses of time. However, I am left with no other choice but to set the record straight on these so-called sports.
Any sport in which gravity does more than fifty percent of the work can hardly be considered a sport. A bobsleigh is a simple method of transportation, which my relatives in Germany still use to traverse the hilly countryside in winter. I might as well map out my drive to work every morning and call that an Olympic event. What I would watch is four men carrying a bobsleigh up an icy slope. They could train with my ninety-year-old grandmutter who pushes a sled uphill from her hut to the main house every morning.
And what is the allure of short track speed skating? They skate in circles wearing girly spandex and think they are tough because they might crash into each other in their cozy indoor ice rink. A bunch of pre-teens do that every Saturday night at the Ice Box. I say, take away their helmets and full body suits and put them outside. A true winter athlete will not be susceptible to hypothermia. Might I also mention, Apolo Anton Ohno is a ridiculous name.
When I bring up Magdalena Neuner, the young nubile German who won the 10K and mass start biathlon races, no one knows who she is or why she was robbed in the sprint. She is one of the greatest athletes of our day in a true sport that requires gun use. Although I find it revolting that she opted out of the relay so others had a chance at winning medals, I do own several of her knitted socks. They are usefully warm as only a German can manufacture. It's as though she is holding my feet every night with her strong, steady, and deadly hands.
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OSCAR AT THE OSCARS |
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by Oscar Martinez
The Oscars are just around the corner, which normally I'm pretty invested in, but this year, for some reason, I'm just apathetic. Usually there's a movie that I root for (like Milk or Brokeback Mountain), but this year that's just not the case. Yes, I respected Precious for its story telling - Gabby Sibide's teacher and her partner were intriguing, but not as interesting as the relationship between the women in Boys Don't Cry. Avatar and Up in the Air are fine films, but they just don't appeal to me the same way Transamerica did. I don't know why...Hopefully a new Gus Van Sant or Pedro Almodóvar film will come out for me to cheer for next year.
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A QUESTION FROM CREED |
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by Creed Bratton
Did anyone else see those 2 huge Dalmatians hanging around the office a few days ago? I saw them, but I just want to make sure other people saw them too.
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DARRYL SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT |
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by Darryl Philbin
I am not related to Shani Davis. We don't even have the same last name, Mike. The requests for autographs, memorabilia, and personal visits must stop. I do not know the man. I may have had some fun with this at first, but it is too much. I cannot continue making glossy prints off Internet photos and writing personal messages. It was one thing when I thought they were for you, but trying to sell this to innocent people on eBay has gone too far.
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
You guys, the greatest movie of all time came out: Valentine's Day!! It's been out since Valentine's Day weekend - what a coincidence! The cast is insane! Julia Roberts. Ashton Kutcher. Jessica Alba. Both Taylors (Lautner and Swift). Jessica Biel. Cute guy from The Hangover. Queen Latifah. McDreamy. It is the greatest movie ever!! See Ashton Kutcher AND hear Julia Roberts' famous cackle in the same film? I'm sold. I'm going to be the first to predict that Jessica Alba is going to earn an Oscar nom. The movie is amazing!! I can't wait to see it!!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
 Bump bump ba ba bump bump bump bump! The Olympics are here and they are awesome! They always inspire me to watch lots of television. For this secession of Scott's Shots, I thought I would share my favorite moments from Olympics past:
- Kristi Yamaguchi - inspired me to take ice dancing lessons
- Nelly Furtado at the opening ceremonies in Vancouver.
- Lindsey Vonn in Sports Illustrated - Schwing!
- Peek-a-boo Street - Funniest. Name. Ever.
- Flow Jo winning the gold - I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie
- Marion Jones winning the gold - I think Angela Bassett should play her in a movie too
- When that French figure skater fell like eight times - hilarious!
- Michael Johnson winning 4 gold metals (It's like Michael Jordon and Magic Johnson had a kid)
- Greg Louganis (the original Johnny Weir)
Maybe one day I'll have my own Olympic moment...If they ever make improv or Jenga Olympic Sports, I'm in!
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